Sebastian tells his own account of how domestic violence has become a very close issue to him. In this piece, he wants to show people that it is an issue that is much closer than we think, and that most people are not sure how to react to it, both as victims or as witnesses.
“You are an asshole, you make my life miserable”
In just a moment, the violence of these words filled the air. It was 6:35 a.m. on a cold Tuesday morning. There was no need for alarm clock to get out of bed. The words are so hard to hear but it is the sincerity in the tone of her voice what makes them so hurtful. Then, silence. What are you supposed to say? Violence is an extended phenomenon in our society: war, racial and religious conflict, starvation and social exclusion. The vast majority of people are detached from it, living their lives as if it could never happen to them. But what about if it does? What happens when violence hits home?
Gender based violence (GBV) is a pervasive force that affects primarily women. The World Health Organization (WHO) shows that “35% of women worldwide have experienced either intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime”. If you are in a room with your mother, your cousin and your aunt, the chances are that one of them may have experienced violence in their lifetime. This is a scary fact, specially when you realise that such violence will likely have come from a men you know. But as a man, you never think that you are going to be the one abused. In our current conception of masculinity, men are protectors, providers and those who hold and excersises power not those at whom abused is directed.
Before, it only happened in the mornings, some mornings. Then, it happened on Saturdays, Sunday’s after church. It became the new way to communicate with each other. The monologue expanded, her words were getting louder, her insults stronger. His silence became words, and his words became insults, and his insults became the norm.
“I hate you“
“You are a moron”
Her voice got louder and his insults are timidly growing. The escalation of verbal abuse is evident and the question lingering becomes harder to ignore: what is going to happen next? In the US, more than 60% of domestic violence incidents happens at home and 85% of the domestic violence victims are women. This means that 15% of victims of domestic abused are men. Men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators but they also are the victims. In Washington DC, in 2013 every 16 minutes a call was made to the DC Metropolitan Police regarding domestic violence. In the same city, the average commute takes 35 minutes. This means that by the time it took a person to get from home to work in DC, at least two people had reported a domestic violence incident. At least one of each ten calls received is reporting abuse against a man.
Last night, I went to bed late. But it did not matter much. It was 6.42 a.m. when the insults began. It is disturbing, really disturbing. How can anyone live like this? I m still in bed, and I am growing tired of this situation. I turned around and looked at my wife. She is silently stearing at me. We kissed good morning and hold each others hands. Our neighborhs are figthing again. The thin walls of the crowded city makes privacy a lost privilege. I kissed her forehead, I looked at the ceiling looking for the right words. I wonder, if as mere witnesses of this situation our daily life has been disrupted, how is it for them? Is it ever going to stop? Where is this going to lead them?
I take a moment to say the words, but the more I think about them, the more sense they make. I get closer to my wife, I whispered in her ear, afraid of asking the question ,
“ How do we know when it is time to call the police?”
Great article, but this sounds like a matter for marriage counselors rather than the police. “How do we know when it is time to talk to the couple about getting counseling?”
Thanks for your comment Amos. I think it is a very valid question. As a witness of a situation that is escalating every week, I think marriage counseling could help them to learn how to communicate with each other in non abusive terms. In order to do so, both need to be willing to make it happen and they have to recognize that there is an issue that they want to address. As a witness, am I responsable to confront them on their personal issues? Are they aware that I am aware? Would this represent a threat for my safety and my familiy? Where do you draw the line?
In many instances, I feel responsable for acting. This post is a way to find alternatives on how do deal with this, in a context where I vaguely know these people but I know their arguments and the way they are dealing with it. I rather call the police if I feel the situation requires the involvement of a third party than throwing myself in the mix.
When do one know when to get involve? This is the question I keep hearing but truth is that it is a question that leaves the situation just a little too late for help. In my country Nigeria, a banker was being abused physically by her husband. The neighbours know, but they felt they will be intruding on private matter if they get too involved. Her colleagues suspected because she went to work sometimes with bruises, unfortunately, they all did nothing much until one day, the man actually stabbed her to dead! When is the right moment to get involved? I understand that sometimes it is difficult to approach the matter but I think, as a neighbour, if you notice that a man is beating his wife, you can try to warm your way into the man’s life. Become friendly, invite them to dinner and when you become friends , maybe, your positive relationship with your wife will influence their relationship. Also, you could have a chat with the man while your wife speak with the woman. Let them know you know what is going on, in a non judgemental way. advice that they seek counselling. From their response, you will know how far you should go. Sometimes, you might have to report to the police But one thing is sure, when the abuser realises that others know, he/she will try to change; while the abused will also, begin to think of options to take. You just might save a life by stepping out of the conventional.
Another incidence within my neighbourhood is this, when the neighbour realises that the couple were always fighting and the man usually inflict physical wounds on the lady. She took it upon herself to call the lady’s parent and reported the matter after yet another beatings from her spouse. The parents came, found their daughter in a bad state and insisted that she move out of the home. She did, and today, she is happily remarried to a sane guy. Sometimes, it is fear of a new beginning, shame of admitting to failed relationship, financial dependency on the abuser etc. that keeps the abused in the state of abuse and all the person needs is just a word of encouragement to take right action. Lets be our neighbours keeper! Never mind your business, a life is in danger!!
Hi Theresa, thank you for your comment, and very glad that as a woman you are standing up to this issue and discussing it. When it comes to physical violence, the issue of invading privacy in my opinion looses its importance. Physical violence should in no way be justified and the first thing to do is denounce it to the police or urge the victim to do so as soon as possible (Depending on the situation).
Physical violence is a crime, and should not be tolerated or accepted in any way. In fact, the stories that you have told are a blatant example of how when such a thing is reported, the chances of the victim saving her/his self are larger.
People that are onlookers and not victims to such situations, have more lucidity and rationality in approaching the problem. The victim can find it difficult to denounce physical violence as they might feel scared or ashamed about it, but if someone else does it it is important to protect the victim as well.
It is difficult to say what is right and what is wrong in these cases, what I know for sure is that physical violence is not to be tolerated, and something must be done about it straight away.
Hi Theresa,
Thank you for your comment. Violence is never justified. It should be punished by law, by society and it should inflict shame to those who use it as a valid mechanism to exercise power and control. Said that. the situation I described has not yet (to my knowledge) escalate to physical violence. But verbal abuse is all over the place. I think it is a difficult question. Do you wait? and see if things get better? Do you follow closely the situation? The cases you described are violence againts a women. What about when the victim is a man? There is no question about the need to act when violence happens. But as in this case, it is not black and white.
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Thank you for your interest.
Best Regards.
WiB Team.